What do you want?

Being Eos, Love

I want to surround myself with people whose company I enjoy, whether as colleagues, friends or lovers.

I want to feel unimpeded by convention or social pressure in life. Morality (if it is a truly ethical point and not petty-minded) is a different matter, and will be observed.

I want to smash through the glass ceiling, elegantly. 

What’s life without a little complication?

Dating, Love, Sex

So it’s been a while since I wrote. I guess it’s fair to say quite a bit has happened in the interval.

Firstly, while I still utterly support the coil as a method of contraception and generally love mine, it has been giving me a bit of grief lately.



On a cool night, as the water rushes by and the breeze rustles the leaves, he pushes me up against the rough stone wall. 

My hands are behind his head, pulling him down, crushing his lips against mine. One of his hands is making its way up the inside of my thigh. Anyone could spot us from the far bank of the river, from an upstairs window, or even walk by, it’s a common enough route for dog walkers. The moon picks us out perfectly, and yet we don’t care. Maybe it even urges us on?I reach up behind me with one hand, knowing I’ll find iron grills covering a window, and I hoist myself up, perching on the sill, an arm wrapped around the bars. 

He takes a step back, watching, as with my free hand I shrug off my dress and bra, baring my body to the moon, to him, and to anyone that might pass. It is liberating and powerful, intoxicating, and as I wind my free arm against the iron too, and invite him between my now parted legs, I have never felt more alive, more daring, more wet. 

His eyes roam, from my lips down my neck, taking in my arms wrapped around the grills, my breasts, perfectly rounded and pert, my exposed navel above the bunched fabric of my dress, and then down to where my legs open for him, to the shadows between them he cannot decipher at such a distance beneath the clothing. It is the first time he has seen my body, and his eyes when they return to meet mine share my lust, but also a challenge.

He starts forward, his hands first reaching my knees, and gradually exploring further up the insides of my thighs, his eyes never leaving mine. When he reaches the apex, he prevaricates. Stroking and lightly scratching my flesh rather than advancing, watching me squirm, enjoying how I can barely control myself. The cool of the iron behind my back, and inside my fists helps me focus, but the cool air keeps my nipples pert to a degree that distracts even me. 

I brush my foot against his body, discerning his hardness, using the side of my foot to tease up and down his shaft through his jeans. A sound half libidinous giggle, half moan escapes my lips meets with his low growl, as he finally touches me, feeling for himself the wetness that has gathered in his honour. 

Roughly pushing my legs farther apart, he bends down to kiss me there, to play with me with his tongue, softly biting my skin, breathing gently on my skin, his beard ticking slightly all the while. His grip on my thighs remains firm, his body wedged between my legs, pinning me to the rough stone, absorbing my writing. I work one of my hands free, running it through his hair, tugging it, not enough to break his contact, not until I wanted more than anything to kiss him again, his lips still so new to me. I finally pull up his head, my hand now beneath his chin, and draw his head towards me, leaning forward so far as I can with an arm still grasping the bar behind me. 

I can see droplets in his beard, his lips glistening, and as I kiss him I can taste myself too. I run my tongue across his lower lip, slowly, before entering his mouth with a flick, and withdrawing. His tongue follows mine back, exploring my lips, my tongue, syncing his entrance perfectly with that of his finger into me, mimicking the tentative, curious explorations of his tongue. 

A twig snaps nearby and we break apart. A dog and walker pass by on the other side of the temple. It is impossible to know if they have seen us. As I shrug my dress back over my shoulders the spell of the moonlight is broken, but desire still rages in us both. Returning home we fall upon each other, the bed-breaking culmination of a long-anticipated event. 

‘What do I wear? What do I say? What do I do?’ Dating panic answers.

Dating, Guides

My sister messaged me earlier today. She had been asked on a date and was panicking.

‘What do I wear?’ ‘What do I say?’ ‘What do I do?’ The questions poured out in a frantic monologue, possibly exacerbated by the fact the date is tomorrow. She only has one day to take action on any recommendations I might give her.

Happy Birthday to my IUD!

Guides, Sex

It is now almost 2 years to the day since I first got my IUD (copper coil) fitted. I cannot recommend it enough.

There are downsides, of course there are. Everything is a compromise of sorts. But the downsides pale in comparison to the huge positives it has brought to my contraceptive experience. 

Being Eos Sunrise

What ending a relationship can teach us.

Dating, Love

Relationships exciting and painful, euphoric and challenging. You get to know someone much more deeply than most, you share with them, you imagine futures for yourselves, discuss how ugly your kids would be or realise you want different things and the dream gets squashed, along with the relationship more often than not.

We broke up by text? 


The guy I was seeing and I have parted ways – amicably, but definitely over. In the end I was too liberal and unaccommodating and he was too traditional and insecure. We tried compromise but the compromises we reached were unsatisfactory in different ways for each of us. 

Unpleasant memories 

Dating, Love

Recently I have found myself thinking a lot about a former, very toxic relationship I was in. I have managed to deal with it in various ways from counselling and therapy sessions through to repressing memories through to building confidence in different ways over the years that have passed since, but sometimes it sort of jumps out at me, often when I least expect it and so am least equipped to face it.

Double standards

Dating, Sex

Earlier this week I was pissed. Not drunk pissed; angry pissed, and a little bit hurt. I think I still am. 

The guy I’m seeing and I ended up having an impromptu DMC at hideous o’clock in the morning one day. Maybe not the wisest decision…

Apparently I am complicating his fabulously compartmentalised existence by falling somewhere between the neat little boxes of girls he fucks and the chaste girls he was in a relationship with. I also make him talk, which he isn’t used to, and I’m more forthright and challenging than he is used to. Maybe if I don’t want ugly truths I should just accept silence but it’s not really my style. 

There’s a bigger problem anyway. Despite the fact that he has slept with many girls in the past and at one stage was supposedly quite literally notching his bedpost because he had made a pact with a friend that they would both hit an arbitrary number, he doesn’t like it that I have slept with a number of other people too. He’d probably be ok if it was only a couple. I once asked jokingly if he could remember all his conquests’ names and from his response I took it that he couldn’t, although he didn’t admit it outright, just got very uncomfortable. I can at least name all of my former lovers, good and bad. 

Anyway, we’re neither of us paragons of virtue. I’m know I’m not and I’m not one to judge but what I do have a problem with is that he judges me. I do genuinely think he’s trying to fight it, at least in light of my responses during our conversation, and he does recognise the hypocrisy inherent in his judgement, but it bothers him nonetheless.

He doesn’t like the fact I’ve slept with many people. He doesn’t like the fact that many of them, rather than meaningless encounters with strangers, were with people I know, people I consider friends. He doesn’t know the exact number of people I’ve slept with just as I don’t know how many he has. The difference is that I don’t care how many he slept with, how many he pursued. But he seems to judge me perhaps by other girls he’s slept with or by his own past actions. He just assumes that to have had multiple lovers I must be incredibly easy and indiscriminate in my affections, that one dick is very much like another and easily replaceable, that anyone who shows me the slightest bit of interest can get between my legs. 

The word bicycle was used. 

He expressed his concern that maybe if we ever did decide to go public then he would be sniggered at by people who knew how easy I supposedly was, by people who had already parted my legs. So basically it came down to his ego and his misconception of who I am and how I behave.

I am experienced. I have had a lot of lovers. I fuck well and I enjoy it. But I am not easy. I am careful in choosing who I become intimate with, who I trust. I generally choose people I know, but even then I am incredibly selective. On the other hand, I don’t stand on ceremony or play games or set any store by things like an obligation to have sex on the third date. If the time is right for the person I’m with and me then that’s all we need, whether it’s after six months or before we’ve ever been out on a real date.  

I make a concerted effort to be non-judgemental in all things. And I certainly would not hold someone to task for something I am equally “guilty” of. But double standards are hard to shake, particularly when deeply rooted in your culture. Somehow it’s ok for him to stick his dick into as many vaginas as he likes but what isn’t ok is people sticking their dicks in my vagina. (Side note – autocorrect just turned ‘dicks’ into ‘ducks’ and I was very tempted to leave it it was so ridiculous.) 

He kept asking me what my concerns were about him. I think he wanted me to berate him in some way similar to what he was doing to me. But I don’t have a problem with him having had lots of girls in the past. I don’t have insecurities about who they were or why. I don’t care. So what problems would I raise, aside from his demand that I drop everyone and see him exclusively which was admittedly an adjustment and felt rather like throwing the baby out with the bath water but I dealt with it, and I recognised that it wasn’t unreasonable, just disappointingly conventional. 

Also most issues I’ve had I’ve raised as they come up rather than bottling them, like the fact that initially he would never stay the night or invite me to stay after sex and seemed to think it unnecessary. I still can’t get him to be little spoon ever but I am determined. I like being big spoon too and I’ll be damned if I let his ego and really unhealthily hyper-masculinity get in the way of that. I am trying to lighten up his stance on gender roles because if I can’t then I’m not interested in going further.

I also learnt the limits of our exclusivity as perceived by him. As we are not in a relationship we are perfectly at liberty to date other people but if I ever want to sleep with someone I have to let him know? Can anyone explain to me how this makes sense? Except as a very cavemanlike ‘I have rights over your vagina’ but you can maybe have feelings elsewhere? 

I mean, I would get the reverse. I firmly believe that you can maintain a loving relationship with (several) someone(s) and support sexual relationships with others in a consensual non-monogamous relationship, but this way around just seems weird. I told him that I had interpreted exclusive as exclusive and I had dropped everyone else to give whatever we were doing a chance. I don’t think he was seeing anyone else either and I think this reassured him and it should. It’s a huge step for me. Not least because I finally had to part with my ex to make it happen.

So yeah, I’m still pissed. Am I still seeing him? Yes. I know! Maybe it’s stupid. I can’t figure out if it is or not. 

I seethed the whole day after this conversation. I met a friend for cocktails and dinner and ranted for about an hour. And then he texted me and came over, I think to clear the air. We didn’t bring up the previous night, we also barely touched. He slept over but we didn’t do anything. I also slightly ignored him for a while because I was cooking when he arrived. I think he enjoyed the spectacle of me being domestic so he didn’t seem to mind. Later we curled up and watched an episode of something and slept. It was nice, calm, and I think it helped. He definitely wasn’t getting anything and I think he knew that so he didn’t try.

I like him. He’s great company, he’s kind and considerate (this aside), we share a lot of similar interests, and he’s pretty great in bed too, but he needs to get off his wholly ridiculous moral highground and let me be big spoon sometime very soon. And if he tries in the least bit to be controlling I’m gone.