This was never the post I planned on leading with when I set up this blog, but within a day of configuring Being Eos, this event occurred (entirely coincidentally). If I’m being honest about my love life on here, then this is the natural place to start.
Today I broke up with my ex. Yes, he was technically already my ex when we broke up. We just never seemed to stop seeing each other. I suppose that is what comes of breaking up due to reasons other than being emotionally incompatible/hating eachother’s guts. Not always, but for some of us.
So there we were, living what appeared to be separate, very much single lives, but at the same time seeing one another and being ‘on’ whenever we got the chance. Old habits slipped back in, fatal three word phrases escaped our lips. But the reasons we weren’t in a relationship were still valid, and while we didn’t come across anyone else that might have potential there didn’t seem any point in giving up on the other aspects of what had been a truly wonderful relationship. We tried. Initially. And, well, failed. Spectacularly.
But today, catalysed by someone on the horizon who might posess that elusive potential, several days spent living with my ex as if we were together, and weeks of introspection and forcing myself to face up to what we had both known from the beginning, we finally talked. He was, as always, incredible about it. He was supportive and understanding and I don’t think really suprised.
I say talked, I cried. I talked too, but I definitely cried. I still love him. It may be softening slightly with time and some distance, but it is still there, and he’s more than my ex or even a current boyfriend, he’s one of my best friends. I’m terrified that by allowing myself the space to move on from our relationship, and to entertain the idea that at some point I might find another relationship that I want to be in, I might lose him completely.
I may have instigated today but it is something we have both brought up in the past. I am narrating from my perspective in this instance because I don’t presume to know his feelings, beyond knowing that he is in some degree of pain, just as I am. I howled when I got off the phone, sobbed in a ball on my bed. I really really would love a hug right now.