So it’s been a while since I wrote. I guess it’s fair to say quite a bit has happened in the interval.
Firstly, while I still utterly support the coil as a method of contraception and generally love mine, it has been giving me a bit of grief lately. I managed to dislodge it slightly when I failed to fully break the seal of my moon cup. One agonising painkiller-and-hot-water-bottle-free night later and it had calmed down so I didn’t think anything of it until a week or two later when I had sex. It wasn’t/isn’t painful exactly but I can definitely feel it. I’m trying to get hold of my gynaecologist to get it checked but she’s not returning my calls and I’m thinking she’s on holiday.
So yeah, that’s the first thing…
The second? So having not been asked out in a while, and having determined not to re-download any dating apps or even really seek to date, I got asked out twice in the space of about half an hour one night. I was so surprised that I ended up saying yes to both. Both dates were actually really interesting and quite fun, but not right for me, especially since I made it clear to both that I wasn’t looking for anything. I tried to refuse one of the dates before I even went on it because I recognised it wasn’t a great idea for me but he said we could just hang out. We did have some pretty awesome conversations to be fair but I haven’t heard from him since I ran away from the bar to catch the bus, and just now I’m a bit relieved.
I think neither of them was that phased by me not wanting to date in that they thought something casual might still be on the table but it’s really not. I made this as clear as I could. I am just not feeling it or dating or even sleeping with friends at the moment, and why? Partly working through issues and just trying to prioritise me, but also, I just needed a break after my last romantic foray. I screwed up and I want to avoid that happening again. Additional complications to follow.
The third? I started therapy again. I had my first session today. Therapy is actually the reason I started blogging in the first place, years ago. I used to keep journals but they became overwhelmingly negative. My therapist at the time suggested I write blogs instead because on the off chance someone else might ever stumble across it, it would have to be more objective and less doom and gloom. It actually helped hugely.
Today was just a consultation, assessing my needs and what I sought to achieve from returning to counselling, and whether we were a good fit. I want to work through the residual issues from a past relationship and the triggers that are setting me off now. And yes, obviously I cried. But I have my first official session next week and I’m feeling really good about it. I think I need this.
The fourth? I started sleeping with the guy I stopped seeing about a month ago. I told the therapist about him, how he triggered things for me I thought I had got over, how I was realising how much I had liked him. How mad I was at myself for screwing it up, but I didn’t tell her we had started sleeping together again. It’s maybe a conversation for another day, and it’s possibly not very healthy, but it was also amazing, because instantly it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders when we tried being casual (apparently he’s my one exception currently). I mean there is definitely an attraction and loads of chemistry, and yes, possibly also a bit more on the feels side than I would say was healthy, but I can usually keep them in check. There was no pressure to behave a certain way, I could be complimentary and affirming and not be afraid of stoking his ego or compromising myself, the strictures vanished and there was no pressure for it to go anywhere. Already though we’re definitely not sticking to his casual sex rules very well. There’s a surprise.
If I’m honest I think I would like to give it another try, not now as I still need to work on me and settle things one way or another with my ex, but maybe in the future. We both learnt a lot even seeing each other so short a time, and we understand each other a bit better now. We ended up having a postmortem over dinner a few days ago and a lot got said that really needed to be said but in a very mutually supportive way. Don’t you hate that often you realise how much you like someone when you’ve lost them? In this case I don’t think it would have made any difference to the triggers or my response but it’s frustrating none the less…
It was actually pretty terrible because we were out with a group of friends when the postmortem began, standing next to one of the guys who had just asked me out, and I honestly didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to shut down the conversation because we both needed it on some level and had also gone a while without any meaningful interaction so there was a lot to catch up on. I tried to keep the conversation fairly innocuous but it wasn’t all that easy, although we eventually agreed to carry it on in more depth over dinner. He acknowledged that he had also made mistakes and possibly pushed things too fast. Unsurprisingly the guy who had asked me out was not best pleased with the scenario. I could have handled it better.
The fifth? I’m going on holiday with my ex (the one I had been broken up with for ages but gave up fully in an attempt to build a relationship with the other guy mentioned above) in a few weeks. I actually did tell my therapist this. She shrugged. But we did talk about him a bit and I also talked to a friend in a similar situation yesterday. She and I are both struggling with the possibility of putting a stop to something so long-standing and great in person, even if there are lots of less than ideal aspects to the scenario. I know it needs to end. I knew it needed to end when we cut things off a few months ago. We knew it before. We know it now.
Maybe this will be a last hurrah? End on a high or something? I booked in several moments of insanity and missing him and needing someone I felt safe with and could relax with and neither of us wanted the last time we had slept together to be the last time we ever slept together. It was terrible. He was sick, I had a cold sore and I was on my period. I couldn’t kiss him at all. I have no idea when I last kissed him. I don’t even know if we’re still in love with each other or just with the idea of each other. So yeah, I have no idea what this trip will be like. I’m looking forward to seeing him but also increasingly nervous because I don’t really know what to expect or how it will pan out. We already both acknowledged that emotionally it’s a pretty silly thing to be doing. I also told the guy I am sleeping with (see point 4) I’m going which probably doesn’t help my case at all, but at least it’s an honest picture.
For now that’s all the major life updates I can think of but I would have said that’s more than enough for now, wouldn’t you?