Earlier this week I was pissed. Not drunk pissed; angry pissed, and a little bit hurt. I think I still am.
The guy I’m seeing and I ended up having an impromptu DMC at hideous o’clock in the morning one day. Maybe not the wisest decision…
Apparently I am complicating his fabulously compartmentalised existence by falling somewhere between the neat little boxes of girls he fucks and the chaste girls he was in a relationship with. I also make him talk, which he isn’t used to, and I’m more forthright and challenging than he is used to. Maybe if I don’t want ugly truths I should just accept silence but it’s not really my style.
There’s a bigger problem anyway. Despite the fact that he has slept with many girls in the past and at one stage was supposedly quite literally notching his bedpost because he had made a pact with a friend that they would both hit an arbitrary number, he doesn’t like it that I have slept with a number of other people too. He’d probably be ok if it was only a couple. I once asked jokingly if he could remember all his conquests’ names and from his response I took it that he couldn’t, although he didn’t admit it outright, just got very uncomfortable. I can at least name all of my former lovers, good and bad.
Anyway, we’re neither of us paragons of virtue. I’m know I’m not and I’m not one to judge but what I do have a problem with is that he judges me. I do genuinely think he’s trying to fight it, at least in light of my responses during our conversation, and he does recognise the hypocrisy inherent in his judgement, but it bothers him nonetheless.
He doesn’t like the fact I’ve slept with many people. He doesn’t like the fact that many of them, rather than meaningless encounters with strangers, were with people I know, people I consider friends. He doesn’t know the exact number of people I’ve slept with just as I don’t know how many he has. The difference is that I don’t care how many he slept with, how many he pursued. But he seems to judge me perhaps by other girls he’s slept with or by his own past actions. He just assumes that to have had multiple lovers I must be incredibly easy and indiscriminate in my affections, that one dick is very much like another and easily replaceable, that anyone who shows me the slightest bit of interest can get between my legs.
The word bicycle was used.
He expressed his concern that maybe if we ever did decide to go public then he would be sniggered at by people who knew how easy I supposedly was, by people who had already parted my legs. So basically it came down to his ego and his misconception of who I am and how I behave.
I am experienced. I have had a lot of lovers. I fuck well and I enjoy it. But I am not easy. I am careful in choosing who I become intimate with, who I trust. I generally choose people I know, but even then I am incredibly selective. On the other hand, I don’t stand on ceremony or play games or set any store by things like an obligation to have sex on the third date. If the time is right for the person I’m with and me then that’s all we need, whether it’s after six months or before we’ve ever been out on a real date.
I make a concerted effort to be non-judgemental in all things. And I certainly would not hold someone to task for something I am equally “guilty” of. But double standards are hard to shake, particularly when deeply rooted in your culture. Somehow it’s ok for him to stick his dick into as many vaginas as he likes but what isn’t ok is people sticking their dicks in my vagina. (Side note – autocorrect just turned ‘dicks’ into ‘ducks’ and I was very tempted to leave it it was so ridiculous.)
He kept asking me what my concerns were about him. I think he wanted me to berate him in some way similar to what he was doing to me. But I don’t have a problem with him having had lots of girls in the past. I don’t have insecurities about who they were or why. I don’t care. So what problems would I raise, aside from his demand that I drop everyone and see him exclusively which was admittedly an adjustment and felt rather like throwing the baby out with the bath water but I dealt with it, and I recognised that it wasn’t unreasonable, just disappointingly conventional.
Also most issues I’ve had I’ve raised as they come up rather than bottling them, like the fact that initially he would never stay the night or invite me to stay after sex and seemed to think it unnecessary. I still can’t get him to be little spoon ever but I am determined. I like being big spoon too and I’ll be damned if I let his ego and really unhealthily hyper-masculinity get in the way of that. I am trying to lighten up his stance on gender roles because if I can’t then I’m not interested in going further.
I also learnt the limits of our exclusivity as perceived by him. As we are not in a relationship we are perfectly at liberty to date other people but if I ever want to sleep with someone I have to let him know? Can anyone explain to me how this makes sense? Except as a very cavemanlike ‘I have rights over your vagina’ but you can maybe have feelings elsewhere?
I mean, I would get the reverse. I firmly believe that you can maintain a loving relationship with (several) someone(s) and support sexual relationships with others in a consensual non-monogamous relationship, but this way around just seems weird. I told him that I had interpreted exclusive as exclusive and I had dropped everyone else to give whatever we were doing a chance. I don’t think he was seeing anyone else either and I think this reassured him and it should. It’s a huge step for me. Not least because I finally had to part with my ex to make it happen.
So yeah, I’m still pissed. Am I still seeing him? Yes. I know! Maybe it’s stupid. I can’t figure out if it is or not.
I seethed the whole day after this conversation. I met a friend for cocktails and dinner and ranted for about an hour. And then he texted me and came over, I think to clear the air. We didn’t bring up the previous night, we also barely touched. He slept over but we didn’t do anything. I also slightly ignored him for a while because I was cooking when he arrived. I think he enjoyed the spectacle of me being domestic so he didn’t seem to mind. Later we curled up and watched an episode of something and slept. It was nice, calm, and I think it helped. He definitely wasn’t getting anything and I think he knew that so he didn’t try.
I like him. He’s great company, he’s kind and considerate (this aside), we share a lot of similar interests, and he’s pretty great in bed too, but he needs to get off his wholly ridiculous moral highground and let me be big spoon sometime very soon. And if he tries in the least bit to be controlling I’m gone.